Sunday, January 6, 2013

The Tale of Troughs and Peaks

Canberra, 2011
(Usagi Superheadz/ASA 100, edited)

I'm glad I made a decision to stay here this summer. Quiet and hot; It's been a joyous reunion with myself. For the past 3 years I've been (in the most subtle way) questioning myself: am I doing what I want to do? Is this 'it'?

No, it's not because I'm doing it badly and recklessly. I put my best effort to do whatever they asked me to do and I have no problem with my results. But I also realized that deep down it's a cruel conflict between passion and pride. Just to make it worse: I didn't know what my passion is. Totally clueless. Until my supposedly final year, it became worse. Slowly but surely I'm parting with my own means. I started to realize how some people are passionately doing their 'thing' while I don't find what I do is amusing. I know it's no good to compare yourself with other people but when you hardly define what you do as 'happiness', then, something is wrong with it.

Then I asked myself: why?

It took me a year to answer such simple question. Yet the answer is actually as simple. I stopped doing things that I like. I stopped blogging, writing, taking pictures, editing, drawing and doing other artsy things. Uni has been extremely exhaustive and dry (for me). Like a dementor, it consumes my soul. Not being hyperbolic, this is what I feel most of the time. I'm not blaming uni, but I don't have the energy (and creativity) to do my hobbies anymore. Apparently, it makes me less happy.

Until the past year some people may know that I did a few art projects here and that was when I realized my passion. Colours. Oh, colours heal my soul. Also my dream to be an entrepreneur. At first I was asking myself again, was it a wrong decision to choose a non-art academic life?  But then again it's hard to weigh the 'right' and 'wrong'. Since it was entirely my decision to choose this field and my parents (or anyone else) had nothing to do with my final decision. So, if we play the blame game everyone would basically point at me.

Putting the bits together will explain why last year was quite hard. I think the conflict was starting to emerge to the surface as I was being aware of it. In the end some things got messed up and I came to the final decision. To my surprise I don't regret my decision 3 years ago and looking back I'd make the same decision. Although it's been a rocky road, for the past 20 years I've always been on the smooth side. So I learned a lot and more than thankful to have wonderful parents who support me.

Aaaand Just to put it there and get some people back on the right track: No, ANU is not trying to kick me out since I did nothing to make them do so.

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On the other and brighter sidee, I promised to post something 'new and interesting' and few days ago I came up with something. The last time I did this was around 7 or 8 years ago and I'm still working on it. It should be something light and refreshing soo stay tuned ;p

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